IN> B1FF in Peacetime

[Daniel Childers]

It was a few years after the War had been lost.

This wasn't B1FF's fault, of course. B1FF was a supreme
hacker, a master of the Internet, a ninja gliding unseen
and destroying its enemies and never, ever getting caught.

This had to be true--B1FF was the only one left. B1FF was the
only demon left; B1FF was the only one on the Internet.
B1FF ruled!!! B1FF had gone far beyone being the Demon
of 3733T |-|AXX0R d00dZ!!!!1!!1 . B1FF was Demon Prince
of 3733T |-|AXX0R d00dZ!!!!1!!1 . No, B1FF was the...
the...whatever Lucifer had been!!! Of 3733T |-|AXX0R
d00dZ!!!!1!!1 B1FF ruled over its domain mercilessly!!!
No stored pr0n file, no old archived Usenet thread, no
save file was safe!!! (B1FF wasn't sure exactly what
pr0n was for, but it was obviously important on the
Corporeal plane.)

It got lonely after awhile. B1FF considered trying flame
wars with itself--but decided that was somehow dangerous
to itself. It wasn't sure how, but as, um, Lucifer-guy of
3733T |-|AXX0R d00dZ!!!!1!!1, it didn't want to risk all
it had. And boasting of its skillz still brought in the "Word"
Essence, even in an empty forum.

"I'd like to know how you do that," a Voice said. A
Voice vast, cool, and impersonal. "Having a Word-rite
without an actual Word is quite an achievement."

B1FF furiously launched every virus and haq it had
(and regretted it a bit; now that it owned the Internet,
it'd have to deal with the virii itself.)

To no effect.

B1FF knew how to deal with other hackers, of course.
(Even ones who were actually better hackers.)
B1FF was wise and strong. "u god? so waht i cut
u i cut you so bad i make u  ph34r mi 733T
skillz!!!1!!!" it taunted.

"Not God," said the Voice. "But I work for him."

An Archangel then. Not much better than it
being God. Maybe worse--God was too much
of a luser to intervene directly, usually. No
fear. Never show fear. B1FF then remembered
a useful line from one of those lame textfiles
it had trashed once.

"go away arkangle fagit better to rule in hell than
serve in heven" said B1FF defiantly.

The Voice sighed. "That quote again. Does *anyone*
read past the first chapter? Anyway, you misquoted..."

Mistake! B1FF could counter a grammar flame. It came
up with a defense on the fly:
10 PRINT better to rule in hell than serve in heven
20 GOTO 10

Eventually the Voice left.

But B1FF, Ruler of Hell (of 3733T |-|AXX0R d00dZ!!!!1!!1 )
was still very disturbed by this new development.

-------

Jean carefully put the Vapulan laptop back in its
safe place in the well-guarded Warehouse of
Anomalies. "An unintentionally clever emulation
of Balseraphic self-resonance," it mused. "The
parallels with Lucifer's situation post-Fall are...
interesting." It made sure all wards were secure--
it would rather that this little cheap simulation of
Lucifer, in its cramped cheap simulation of Hell, never
got its own cheap simulation of Lilith. The results would
not be interesting enough to justify the cleanup
costs.

"That quote from Milton is a touch overused,
little soi-disant Demon King," Jean said. "If
you ever listen to me, I may suggest a more subtle
one: 'I could be bounded in a nutshell and count
myself a king of infinite space–were it not that I have
bad dreams.'"

Then it went on to check the other Anomalies. It
had time to catch up on its research, now that
the War was won.

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