IN> The Vorpal Spork

[Moe Lane]

"IN> Testing, testing, my we're quiet?"

(Sigh) Since you insist.  :)

Moe

The Vorpal Spork

This unique artifact - and it's unique even by the most demanding
standards - is by all accounts identical in form and shape to a
standard plastic spork (for those wondering, that's the combination
fork and spoon beloved of fast-food restaurants throughout Western
Civilization).  It can be distinguished from a regular spork by its
being always clean and never greasy; plus, of course, the minor powers
described below.  The Vorpal Spork does not automatically trigger a
Perception check in order to detect it as an artifact, but a conscious
choice to do so would be resolved normally.

The artifact is the only permanent relic of the infamous Laurence-Eli
Confrontation of 1986.  This legendary (if not outright apocryphal)
event supposedly occurred at a random New Brunswick bar.  It is
undetermined what the Commander of the Host was actually doing in a
bar, although fairly solid rumor has it that when asked Laurence
calmly replied that he was having a beer.  The most plausible story
goes as follows: Laurence saw Eli walk out of the men's room.
Laurence called to Eli, only to be greeted with a sickly (if you like
Laurence better) or obnoxious (if you like Eli better) grin.  Laurence
then picked up the nearest cutlery to hand (this would be the spork)
and threw it at Eli.  Eli looked at it as it headed towards his
head... and did not move a muscle as it sped past his ear and pinned
the sleeve of the man behind him to the wall.  This caused quite a
stir, particularly since the man in question was still holding a
packet of what would later turn out to be the date rape drug du jour.
By the end of said stir, Eli had left, either shamefacedly or
gnomically; Laurence notably took his time finishing his beer and
nachos.

There's no doubt a really good philosophical and/or ethical message to
the story, but most people just want to know what happened to the
spork.

What happened was that it was bathed in the personal regard of two
Archangels engaged in a very abstruse sort of argument, which does
things to things.  Thanks to Laurence, it is now a weapon with the
Blade Blessing and Scabbard attunements, plus double damage to demons
(as per page 96 of Liber Reliquarum).  Being now fairly and
supernaturally aerodynamic, it may be thrown effectively.  Weapon
stats are Power +5/+10 (the latter diabolicals), Accuracy 0/+2 (the
latter when thrown), range 10 feet.  It's also unbreakable, which
includes being dishwasher safe.  Dodges on the first attack made by
the Vorpal Spork on a target are at -2: it's just hard to believe that
this is a credible weapon.

That was straightforward enough, but what Eli did to it was a bit more
metaphorical.  It's called a Vorpal Spork because it can automatically
cut through everything that it attacks; that can mean flesh and armor,
of course, but it can also mean nonphysical items or concepts such as
deceit, posturing or hypocrisy.  There are two major restrictions:
first off, for this ability to work the user has to decide beforehand
what's to be cut through.  If a decision isn't made it 'merely' acts
as an unbreakable, devastating thrown weapon.  Second, once it's
thrown it disappears from the user's life forever.  This seems to keep
the item from being used too frivolously.  Lastly, the Vorpal Spork
seems to be very bad luck for Hellspawn; it's said that any demon who
takes possession of it will be soul-killed in short order.  While this
is just a rumor, there's a notable lack of former demonic owners to
contradict it.

As might be guessed, the whereabouts of the Vorpal Spork is unknown:
it can turn up anywhere, and usually does.  Those currently in
possession of it tend to keep quiet about it; it's effectively a
one-shot deus ex machina, and people always seem to have an opinion on
how it should be used.  For that matter, many former owners ended up
quickly using the relic's unique ability.  It's nothing that could be
measured, but it's said that if you hold on to the Vorpal Spork for
too long you get the feeling that the incident that formed it is still
in some odd way still going on; and while there's nothing wrong with
either Laurence or Eli, of course, well.  You don't want to get in the
way when two Archangels are having a discussion like this.

-- 
Liber Licentae Moeticae
http://www.stormloader.com/users/moelane/innomine.html
Last Updated 01/16/06 - now with non-IN material

Weblog Licentiae Moeticae
http://moeticae.typepad.com/

Non-political!  I've learned my lesson.